Heroics
by ZorasimplyZora
Summary: In what universe is Alfred the hero? In all of them, that's the point my dear Villain. This is where I describe Voldy's flaw in reaching immortality.


It official. Voldemort is utterly insane. But for once, it's not Potter's fault.

Voldemort was staying in the Malfoy Manor, which Lucius was oh so happy to provide. Having a group of over-loyal servants had to have some benefits, after all. So the Dark Lord was heading towards the dining room where he would talk with Nagini on how to defeat Harry Potter. You know, the usual stuff. Eagerly plotting someone's death never gets old.

But instead, a light-haired teenager sat in his spot, with his feet on the table. Dammit! No one sits in Voldy's spot! After all, it is the best spot in the room. With just the correct amount of shadows and a view of the whole room, it was perfect. Very Feng shui.

Just looking at the teen infuriated Voldemort. With his bright blue eyes and swimmers built, he oozed heroics, like the heroes in the movies. A hair stuck up at the top, of his head, almost stubbornly. Draped across the back of the chair was an old bomber's jacket with the number 50 on the back.

That is what angered Voldemort. When he was younger, he had a soft spot for a American movies. His problem with them? The villain always loses! Oh, how he hated how Luke Skywalker was Darth Vader's son! If Potter was his son, Voldemort would disown him. And God Dammit they would never die! Sure, they'll pick off another of his friends, but more often or not they always miraculously survived. Even when thousands of the villain's supported died. Why can't the villain have the happy ending for once?

Okay, this was getting annoying. Voldemort had sneaked behind the teen like a badass spy, and the teen had started to play a video of a puppet Snape singing. Voldemort would have started laughing, but he didn't want to disturb the teen. Besides, he's scared his Death Eaters enough that night. The video continued with Harry and all his puny friends singing along. At one point, Dumbledore went naked. Oh, the humanity. That thought was enough for Voldemort to raise his wand and, "Hey look, I found the source of the ticking noise! It's a time bomb!" The puppets cheered, and promptly blew up.

Yes, this boy was time-traveler and had come from the future to discreetly tell Voldemort that he would win the Wizard war! That explains the weird piece of metal in his hand with the apple insignia. Seriously, that stuff had to come from the third millennia. Maybe he'll let this kid live-

Until the boy was stupid enough to play a video, with a puppet of him and Snape growing a mustache. No, just no. First off, he was not that ugly. He used to be quite handsome in his youth after all. Second, you don't have to have a mustache to be an evil mastermind. Just because Hitler and Stalin and a lot of the other dictators of the 20th century had mustaches doesn't mean Voldemort has to. Okay, maybe he also didn't want to grow a mustache after the accident that caused him to lose his nose. That event _ruined_ his acting career. And no it was not because he forgot a line. Or two. Or four. Or perhaps twenty.

No, Voldemort would never play a mere movie villain, ha! Now, he was a true villain! But first, he had to prove it to this insulting man by killing him.  
"Advada Karvada!" Voldemort shouted. Rather than dying, the teenager just turned around, looking confused. "Uh, Hello?' the teenager said tentatively.

"Dammit, not another Potter," Voldemort hissed. This just proves his point. Heroes cannot seem to die, no matter how much the villains try! Yes, Voldemort had a failed poetry career also. "Why are you not dead?' Voldemort demanded in his raspy voice. The kid just blinked.

"Because I'm the hero, duh," he just replied in an American accent. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Or Captain America, possibly. He does look like Chris Evans.

"Okay, who the hell are you?" Voldemort commanded, keeping his wand out.  
"Alfred F. Jones. My friend borrowed this weird blue box thing called a Tardis and asked me to, uh, take care of something," he said vaguely. Voldemort's eye twitched. Well, at least he was right Alfred being a time-traveler.

"What is that in your hand?" Voldemort asked, Alfred still staring at it.

"Dude, it's the Ipad. You know, by the company Apple," Voldemort just stared at him blankly. "Jeez, have you been living under a rock?"

"No!" Voldemort snapped.

"Here, how about I show you the American awesomeness that is the Ipad." Voldemort huffed, but sat down next to the kid.

*********************Four Hours Later*****************************  
Voldemort was cackling madly as he played Bad Piggies. The Death Eaters trembled as they worried who had angered the Dark Lord. Alfred had first showed Voldemort Angry Birds, but realized after the first low score that Voldemort was trying to kill the birds, not the pigs. "I have succeeded in finishing this game!" Voldemort declared with glee.

Alfred shrugged. "Took you long enough. Do you want me to play any videos?" Voldemort nodded eagerly. So far, this muggle was the first he had no desire to kill. Alfred tapped the screen a couple of times before clicking on an app called youtube. "Eh, this video was pretty good."

A man named paint called the title of the video "After Ever After". The screen showed the same man four times. Voldemort watched in fascination. If they only looked identical, Voldemort would assume a Polyjuice potion, but each had the same voice. The four doppelgangers sang about the woes of a Disney princess.

Outside the door Draco shook in fear as he watched Bellatrix dance and sing. "Have you ever held the entrails of a Mudblood!: she sang, replacing the lyrics to suit her demonic needs. As if they weren't twisted enough.  
********

Alfred switched to another video dubbed "Keyboard cat." Rather self-explanatory actually. Oh go watch it yourself.

Silently Voldie prayed to Satan (as all villains do, obviously) to put him out of his misery. Or at least give him a proper weapon to kill the boy. Unfortunately for Voldie, this is Satan we're talking about.

"Put your hands down!" Moody shouted as several aurors crashed through the windows. "Surrender now Voldemort," Kingsley said with his wand pointed straight at Voldemort.

"Wait, you're the Voldy dude?" Alfred asked, setting down the magical Ipad. Voldemort nodded and Alfred reached into his chest pocket.

BANG! Voldemort collapsed, blood spurting from his chest. All it took was one shot.

"You just killed the Dark Lord," Tonks said, amazed.

"What can we do in return for killing our oppressor" Kingsley asked. Several of the other Aurors had already gone to their knees.

Alfred shrugged. "All in the days work of being a hero. A cheeseburger would be nice though."

And that is how the celebration of Voldemort's defeat shall always be celebrated by eating at McDonalds.

**-Fin-**

**Whoa. What the hell is in my chocolate? The first time I post in a while, and it's this. This doesn't have anything to do with Really England? This is really just a oneshot, literally.****In this Au all it took was one bullet to silence Voldemort. The main difference between this and the real books is Voldemort never takes control of the ministry.**

**-edit- since this is an Au, that means I am God in this Universe, ha ha! So in this world Voldemort is too busy with his acting career in that part of his history between hogwarts and becoming a death eater to create the horcuxes and therefore he can die.**

**However, Since Alfred is secretly America in this Au, he is still immortal and that's why he didn't die. **

**I don't own anything. I don't own Harry Potter, Hetalia Star Wars, Potter Puppet Pals, any American movie, Doctor Who, After Ever After, Bad Piggies and Angry Birds, Youtube, and Apple. There were references also to Big Bang Theory and Indiana Jones also, though neither is directly mentioned. ****The cover is just Iggy face-palming, because somehow it fit.**

**please review, favorite, and follow!**


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